Where have I been?

I'm confused...I see the last time I posted, I tried to post a picture I have saved on shutterfly...won't work that way..anyway, the title says Winter 2010...in July. I don't know how to fix something after it is published so I'll just leave it...but please disregard that strange post!

I'm back. For the last few months I would open this page and stare at it and then close it down thinking that I needed to wait till I have more information...but today. Well, I'm sick of waiting. So much to say and too much time has gone by. I'll catch up quickly so I can get on with my life...here and in reality.

The nodule on my right kidney was cancer. It wasn't overly large, thankfully, and had not spread- as far as they know. The did have to remove my entire kidney because of where the tumor was located, but I am considered cancer free and I don't have to go back for one year!!! The surgery was not as bad a some of my former surgeries due to the smaller size of the incision, but it bothered me more mentally. I really miss my kidney. Strange. I felt lost, incomplete...worried that I would need it and not have it. I still feel the loss and really don't know why.

This was my first 'bout with cancer and hopefully my last. When I had part of my lung removed 30+ years ago, we were worried that it was cancer, but it wasn't. It was a scare.

Life is full of "scares." There are times when you get a smidgen of information and if you're like me you tend to jump to possibilities instead of just putting the information on a shelf until you get the whole story.

Well, I've been sitting on part of a story all summer and here it is October and I'm still waiting. We're still trying to find out about the nodule in my left lung. The insurance company won't let the CAT scan be repeated until one year has passed...the doctors wanted to recheck in 3 months. So I wait. Pulmonary function tests show restrictive lung disease...new disease that I haven't heard of before...My primary doctor is now sending me to a pulmonologist. In the meantime, I can't go up a flight of stairs without losing my breath...is that from pulmonary hypertension or "restrictive lung disease".... Doctor says stop half way up stairs...or whenever I lose breath and rest for 30 seconds...then continue....

I worry sometimes that the nodule is cancer. I worry that it is a primary tumor or even a metastasis of the kidney tumor..even though that is unlikely due to the size of the kidney tumor. But I also know that cancer is unpredictable. I worry that the nodule could be another adenoma like I had 30 years ago...especially since there is some atelectasis with it. I just want to know what it is so I can either stop thinking about it or just get rid of it. I want to be able to breath easy again....I don't like feeling uneasy. I don't think I'm scared, I just don't like the waiting around...not knowing. I hope by the end of the week to at least feel like I'm doing more than sitting around waiting.

What the heck?!!

Remember my last post? I was so determined, I had heard from the universe. I was going to look for a solution, then... look at the solution, work with the solution... There was going to BE a solution.





I haven't been feeling my strongest. Face it, I'm out of shape. Very overweight and have been for quite a few years now. Lately, however, I have been struggling with stairs, walking any distance at all. I get very short of breath, sort of light headed and have to move slowly. But...what do you expect when you are carrying all this extra weight? I figured, get the weight off and you'll feel better, gradually increase the exercise and build up my stamina. That's the ticket!





You see...I've been waiting for the OK to start back with an exercise program. I had an episode of fluid in the lungs and extreme shortness of breathe, puffy ankles and face, pneumonia... which led to the moving up of my cardiologist appointment. I was told to "take it easy" with the exercise until after my cardio apt.


After my appointment I decided it was time to get back in shape...hence the last post. The universe was talking to me...the planets were aligned....it was TIME!





So, then I had a stress/echo test with pulmonary pressure check ordered by the cardiologist. I just about killed myself doing the stress test. Almost made it to 6 minutes (I know...that isn't very long...I KNOW I did much better LAST time, I think it was over 10 minutes!) While they did the echo part, I laid there like a fish with a hook in its mouth on the dock...gasping for breath for the longest time... lt took forever (it seemed) to catch my breath. The doctor told me that I had high pulmonary pressure ( I had heard him saying "80's" several times during the test) I didn't know what that meant. He asked if I'd ever been diagnosed with sleep apnea and a few other questions about my history then told me that the doctor would be calling me with more info. Oh...and don't exercise until you talk to the doctor!








Long story short... the pressure on the right side of my heart is high 45 at rest and 65 during exercise. Moderate pulmonary hypertension...CAT scan ordered, sleep study ordered...go on from there..... Have you had any experience with pulmonary hypertension? I didn't...but if you look it up, watch out. It will scare you to death! Stick to the American Heart Association info our the PAH Association website (Pulmonary Arterial Hypertension)...they are more hopeful and up to date! Hey, I don't even know what this means in MY situation!





The CAT scan showed a nodule on my left kidney (what is a nodule?) and another nodule on my left lung...hmmm. They informed that an appointment was made for me with a urologist as soon as possible to check out the kidney and they would watch the lung "nodule" for 3 months and repeat the CAT scan to see if it changes.... So why can't the kidney nodule wait, but the lung can hang around for 3 months? Anyway, I'm bringing my questions to the doctor tomorrow...at this point, looking for solutions has just opened up a can of worms! I have sympathy for worms, but this is ridiculous.


I know one thing...whatever is going on, it is obvious that this is not where I want my life to go, so once I get all the information.... I have to work hard to turn this all around!

Why do I have pictures of my 3 dogs here...you ask? My little guys sleep with me...Willie is right by my side, Buster sleeps on the adjoining pillow (I cover him with a down comforter) and Nomar (above) usually sleeps under the quilt. If I showed you a bump in the quilt you wouldn't know what it was, so instead, here he is flopped on the covers. Wouldn't it be funny if I brought them to my sleep study with me? Wouldn't that be a more realistic study?





Anyway, I'm writing tonight 'cause Heather said I needed to write...about anything. But this is stuck on my mind so I figured that the only way to get rid of it was to get it out...so here it is. Soon it will be behind me and I will have the whole world ahead of me. I'll look back and laugh.... wondering why were you so worried?

Spring 2011

Click here to view these pictures larger

A Journey

My children are very wise. They have exceptional talents in various different veins....I love talking and sharing with them. They offer so much and enrich my life as well as all the lives they touch. One thing they do is hold a mirror up to me.

I have always been proud of being an optimistic person. Even when times were tough, I would look for the silver lining. But... I carried this to a fault, living in denial of all that was right in front of me. When I finally opened my eyes and saw the truth, I over reacted. The pendulum swung in the totally opposite direction. For the last 10 years I've been wallowing in the negative and focusing on all that is wrong in my life. Even though I knew better, I couldn't see that I was doing that. I kept telling myself I was "being realistic."



Heidi

Well, a couple weeks ago, Heidi said something to me that has been germinating. She said that I needed to stop focusing on the parts of my health that were troublesome (not her word) and start focusing the good things. At first, I was so sure she was wrong. The reality is ...I am diabetic, have COPD, heart disease, arthritis, the biggy: obesity. My body is a mess...where was the positive? Well, the universe also spoke the very next day: I get a daily message from Hazelton on my e-mail. I almost canceled it cause I've just ignored or skimmed it lately...but this time I read it:

We must not expect that the solution to our problem will bring us immediate peace of mind. Focusing our energies and emotions on the answer- not the problem- will, however, alleviate much of the futility and frustration we feel. A medical doctor, George S. Stevenson, wrote, " The solution may not give you everything you want. Sometimes it may give you nothing but a chance to start all over again."

So, I'm starting over, with hope and perserverence. I need to regain control of my health, as much as I can. I had basically given up, assuming that there was little I could do and feeling hopeless, helpless and old. Now, I know, I can improve my situation and give myself a better quality to my life. I want to use this blog to record this journey... I'm not looking back, I'm only living one day at a time as I move toward a better future. Thank you Heidi for holding up the mirror at a time when I was ready to look. Love you!

Today is the first day of the journey...as a teacher, I have summer vacation to look forward to. This year, the focus of my vacation will be the return of health! With a strong start like that, I should...no I WILL be able to continue through the school year and the winter and all the stress that goes with that time of year.

Both my girls, Heather and Heidi, have alway been health conscious. They eat well and exercise. I will look to them for inspiration and support. My friends at work are also battling the effects of stress, so I hope to work with them to help make our workplace more supportive of our health efforts.

I'm posting a "before" picture...oh boy. Am I brave enough for this...I have to be!

I couldn't figure out how to post a picture from Shutterfly into my post...but figured out how to post it to blogger...so you see me in all my glory without a caption. Expect updates regularly and cheer me on! I need all the help I can get!

Happy Mother's Day

Well, it's been almost a year since I've posted. I gave up on myself, I guess. Isn't that sad? It's a bad habit I have. I start something new, get all excited, jump in with both feet, get wet, or tired, or bored.... or scared. Lose steam, doubt myself, give up... get depressed. stop.




That is not a good habit for anyone. So, I'm back. You won't see me everyday, mind you!

(It is the end of the school year and it gets really crazy with meeting, deadlines, etc.) But I'm not going to drop it like I did.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day. I don't know how I feel about it anymore. I loved Mother's Day until I lost my Mom. I have to stop looking at the sad parts of life and wallow in the happiness. I had the best Mom in the world, I should be remembering THAT on Mother's Day and not feel sorry for myself for the loss of her from my life.

That's my Mom up there with the big smile. I figured out, she was 46 years old in this picture. We were at the airport terminal at Yokota AFB in Japan, waiting for our flight to leave Japan. It was not a happy time, we were all hating the prospect of leaving. But she was smiling because she strongly believed in putting on a brave face and not showing "everyone" your pain. That's what she taught me and my sister. Actually, not the healthiest way to handle adversity, but it is what it is.

So, while I am enjoying my day tomorrow with my beautiful daughters, my handsome son-in-law, my grandchildren and their other grandparents... I will also be spending the day with my Mom. I miss you, Mommy. I'll always be your little girl, Thank you for being the best Mom in the world...and in Heaven.

Yeah...I did something that I never thought I would. I bought a Kindle. What an amazing invention. I sort of feel like a sell-out because I love books so much. My house if full of them. They are my pleasure, my decoration, my habit, my hobby, my occupation, my time filler, my calming agent, my friends, my food, my recreation, my drug of choice, and more. I guess that is the problem, they are overtaking my home and my classroom. I can't give up the words, but I need to cut down on the physical space they take. I need my fix.
I am amazed at how a book can be mine within minutes of the idea of the book. I hear about it, I look it up and within seconds it is mine. Another part that I'm having trouble with is the way the book gets into the Kindle. Through the air, within seconds, it is there. Magic. To think, as I am moving about...there are words slicing through my body on the way to someone's cell phone, computer or Kindle. These waves of thought which used to only occupy our minds are now occupying our universe. I don't know if it is healthy, but it is our new reality. Thoughts converted to words and communicated to others are vibrating all around us and we aren't even aware of it...or are we? Hmmm....increased incidence of ADHD, adult onset? ADHD, increased rate of diagnosed autism, depression, exhaustion, ...makes you wonder what we will find as far as connections in the future. Only time will tell, I suppose. In the meantime, I'm sucking in those books and enjoying every minute of it...with my blinders on.

What is normal pain?

It is strange that, as I get older I develop more pain. It didn't happen suddenly
but so gradually that it is barely noticed and becomes the normal way of feeling. So, when the doctor asks if I have pain, I say not really. But actually I hurt everywhere...hands, feet, right elbow, back, shoulders, shoulder blades, forearms, calves, ankles, one knee....When I sit still, I throb, and burn and occasionally stab with pain. I'm so used to it...I try to ignore it. Should I be putting up with this pain?...I assume it is the way everyone feels at my age.
My fingers don't look like my fingers anymore. I have lumps and bulges that weren't there before...hard bony bumps that distort the former gracefulness of my hands. They look like old people hands with tiny wrinkles or crinkles all over. Those hands are fighting a good fight to keep supporting my need to schlep stuff. More about schlepping later.
How'm I doing with trying to write more regularly?